A Freewrite 09/25/11

I sit tired after a 4 hour sleep. Its odd, I never thought I would make it alive through a day with only 4 hours, as if I would be walking around in a fog. I feel a slight fog, but my brain still functions decently.
Forks in my path await my decisions, but I have yet the will to face them. I wonder what kind of character that makes me? I regretfully revert to destructiveness as I have this past week.
I have many wants. I desire my own business. The limitless potential of earning power pulls me toward such an excursion. I wonder what is holding me back. Many endeavors require licenses of sorts, which I have but small feelings of indifferent for achieving. I need to identify what is holding me back from making a decision in that area. I really dont know what I want to do in that aspect. What am I waiting for? I skip from idea to idea because I don't like the scalability of a business choice or I don't like the tasks ahead to create such a sustainable income. Am I supposed to like every part of the business? I do recall in a couple of entrepreneurial interviews that a good amount of tasks were unlikable, yet they were a part of the process of getting a business off the ground and it is that process that is fun, so I guess it would be bittersweet.
I still come back to the idea of irrigation. Is it the fact that I had an excellent chance of taking over a business and I blew it due to laziness and the lack of drive? Maybe it is a notion I get that I feel I must redeem my poor mistake of letting that chance just slip right through my hands.
I feel the need to get back to the subject, but a further issue presses. I worry that the course of computer science is not the course I want to be on. It has been the story of my life for the past 8 years. Maybe it is because of this entrepreneurial feeling I get inside. It is most likely borne of the fact that I cannot personally find a business in the field that I am anywhere near qualified to start, unless it involves building a product. Maybe I should write a list of 20 solutions to 20 problems or bottlenecks that would cause a person to purchase the product for. Maybe this upcoming job opportunity I so sold myself short on will renew my interest in creating a business or staying involved in the field. Is software what I want to do? I can stop asking these questions because right now, I am in business mode. I want my own business. I will meditate on that for a few.

A Nice Update

It is getting closer and closer to the day I move out of the apartment. Amanda and I have been packing up stuff little by little, trying not to get caught the last week with a lot on our plates. So far, we are doing alright.

One thing we have been doing that has me very happy is we have began cutting a lot of crap out of our diet. We have instituted calorie counting in our daily lives. On top of that, we started exercising a little which has shown above average results in very little time. I already feel better when waking. I've adjusted my diet to fall easily below the recommended calorie intake without being unhealthy about it. I find myself eating substantially smaller meals every 3 hours without feeling a starving sensation. The first couple days were a lot tougher than it is now. I call it the "shrinking" effect. After going through a hungry stomach after toning down the amount of food I consume, I would feel full after eating one of my smaller meals. Should I try to consume more in one sitting like in the past, I would feel like I am ready to explode, as if my stomach had gotten smaller.

For our exercise routines, we have purchased the help of "The Biggest Loser" game for the Nintendo Wii. I must admit, the game was developed with an excellent pursuit to actually form a workout routine around what you want to accomplish. The have routines for people who would just like to lose weight, the have routines for people who just want to tone their body, the have routines for people who just want to stay in shape, and they have programs that would fit anyone's needs. My favorite is you submit measurements of your body. You go on to tell them your age and height. They do a calculation then advise you which part of your body you should be working on (they were spot on when I did my measurements).
The game builds a workout routine around those parts of your body.

I chose the 12 week program that focuses on weight loss with emphasis on the parts of my body that needed it the most. I chose to do 6 workout days with one day off. They do hard exercise routines the first day, then yoga the next to relax the muscles, then mix it up again. Their calorie counter is awesome, though I downloaded the "Livestrong" calorie counter app for the iPad. You can also create one on the website www.livestrong.com.
They have an excellent database that makes researching calories for food a lot easier. I recommend this to anyone pursuing a weight loss regimen.

For the health of the mind, I stumbled across a very excellent blog by an interesting woman named "Dena". Her story is excellent and her posts bring you close to the feeling of a bath in the soul of life. I recommend her blog/site, EvolutionYou. I have found that Dena and I share many of the same inspirations, such as lessons prevalent in Buddhist teachings, as well as life-altering adage from the heart of Paul Coelho. Dena motivated me to research "minimalism", which I will implement as I continue packing my things. Great timing, right?!

Find the Ocean

As I stand before an ocean, there is a great deal of change inside my body and mind. It is both the expansiveness and the sound of the ocean that plays a large role in the overwhelming feeling I receive. No amount of specially selected words could accurately define the feeling. One of my favorite activities is Jet Skiing simply because it allows me the ability to sit on and ride the ocean. Maybe it is the idea that the ocean must be respected because it is just as dangerous as it is beautiful. Exempting the danger, I love to come back to the ocean, even when I am at home.

It is very easily to become overwhelmed with what has to be done. There are so many things that must be maintained. There are many tasks that must be completed as well. I find it hard to find the time for learning and gaining knowledge by research because I am in a situation where many tasks must be completed or else I put myself as well as my girlfriend at a terrible disposition. We are in the process of moving out of an apartment and have to find where exactly we want to go. We have been house hunting and have yet to find a house in our financial range that is calling our name. We are in it for the long term, so we refuse to find a house we are "just going to settle in for 5 years", because as we have witnessed, it is never the case. I had just got done reading a book. Before reading, I had practiced some JavaScript. Before that, I had gotten up and ate breakfast, noticing the apartment needs a little cleaning. All these tasks are piling up and I am feeling like a preacher who bears no practice to his words.

I had just gotten done telling my readers to "Scrub a Clean Toilet, but I feel like I am starting to procrastinate again. It all boils down to motivation. As I sit here, I am reminded of a lesson I learned while exploring a set of books and talks within the Buddhism religion. I guess you can call it a meditation, but it doesn't require much time unless you want it to.

Sit and relax. If it helps to close your eyes, which it will for 99% of you, do it. Just think of a place you have visited in your lifetime that had brought about in you a great deal of good feelings. For me, of course, it is the ocean. Imagine every aspect of the place. Recall the sensations you feel through all of your 5 senses. Run through all of your senses individually. I start with sight because that is the sense that gives me most of my peace. then I move onto sound, then touch etc. If you have only dreamed of a place that brings you such feelings, then use that place instead.

After calming down, I begin to slowly bring to mind the tasks that cause this unrest. As the tasks begin to weigh down on my good feelings with it's own feeling, I concentrate on that new terrible feeling. I feel as if I am taking that feeling and holding it within my chest, where it currently resides. Then I perform the most crucial task. I acknowledge the feeling and how strong it is. I acknowledge the feelings of the rest of the tasks, for they all pretty much feel the same. I acknowledge that these tasks are not going to complete themselves. I know I can now clear my head and sort these tasks based on priority.

I sometimes find that there are two or more tasks that will conflict being that I cannot complete them both. I see it as a game of Chess, for those of you who love to play. There opponent's bishop has moved into a position where it will either take out my rook or my knight and I can only save one. Typically I save my rook, but it all is determined by the situation. Evaluate which task will be most beneficial upon completion and just suffer the consequences of the other task not being completed on time, if at all. It happens. It is what makes life interesting.

I tend to get worked up a lot and I do forget to find my ocean when I need to. Eventually I remember to stop and just take a breath. It takes a lot of stressing before I just sit down and reevaluate. I constantly forget that the best part of this life is to just "exist".

Missing the Point

I have come to a realization that I have been watching life go by. It is weird, simply because I am always thinking about what I am going to do in the very near future. My head is always about the near future. Of course it is a decent mind to have business-wise when one is planning the next steps, but it is not good at all when I should be focusing on the "right now".

I went house hunting a week before the week of Christmas. My girlfriend and I went and saw about 7 houses. The Realtor had given us a sheet for every house we would be looking at that day. After looking at the 5th house, she asked us to separate ourselves and put the 5 houses we just seen in order. The best would be on top, and the worst would be on the bottom. When she had asked me to do it on my own, I sat there dumbfounded. I had forgotten about damn near all of the houses and what they looked like inside. It was embarrassing, I reluctantly tried to avoid admitting I forgot what any of them looked like, but it was impossible. I realized later on at home that I was too busy trying to think if our budget would fit the price of the house, whether the people inside set up their furniture the right way, and useless thoughts to that effect. I had not paid attention to the actual houses themselves. I do feel that I am very lenient and can make any enclosure my home, for that has always been something I believed. Regardless, I found it very unacceptable and I began to dig deeper and realized more correlating issues that have come to my attention in the past and tried to make a conscious effort to resolve...and failed.

I day dream a lot. Always thinking about what it would be like to do this and what it would be like if I obtained this. The kind of thoughts that would result in a gambling addiction. I would think and brainstorm a lot while driving, keeping eye on the road and the sidewalks. Unsafe it is, but it is hard to escape your thoughts when just sitting there. I would think while someone is in the car with me giving directions. By the time I would arrive at the destination, I would have no recollection on how I got there. I hear it a lot too, "We've driven through here 80 times! Why don't you remember how to get there!?". It just so happens that I do not pay attention to anything around me. I just focus on my future.

I knew an old sod farmer who passed away last year named Greg. He was a very smart and attentive gentleman. Other farmers would come into the shop I worked at and they would talk about current events both locally and worldwide. It would amaze me when one guy would say, "Did you see that small structure in the back of the woods down Alpine Street?". Now mind you, Alpine Street would be a nearly empty street off of another nearly empty street that no one really drove down that would be off a main road. Greg would say, "Yea! It looks like someone was trying set up a hunting blind or something". I would stand there baffled. I could drive down that street once in a blue moon to get to a client's house and never notice these things. This happened A LOT with these gentlemen. They knew what was going on everywhere, right in my own backyard.

It is very hard for me to remember details of past family parties and events. I could recall a good amount of memories from a substantially unique event, like a family outing to a fisherman's club, which we have only done once, but if I attempt to recall the Christmas party at my aunts house (which happens EVERY year at the same house), I can barely remember a thing.

Without being attentive to my surroundings and what is going on in the world and right around me, I wake up and another day has passed. Yes, I do work on educating myself and learning new skills and trades, but that does not hinder the fact that I cant remember what I did last Friday except the fact that it was Friday and I work on Fridays, so I had to be working. What I did that day though, off the top of my head is nothing but blank space.
I was reading an article on Sebastian Marshall's blog site. He wrote an article called, "What Skills Do You Need to be an Entrepreneur? Only Two". He stated later on in the article that you must acquire " a fierce mastery of self". I thought about this notion and I could not agree more. I urge you to take a look at Sebastian's entire site. His entire story is interesting to say the least, and he has just begun.

Acquiring a "fierce mastery of self" would resolve this problem I am having with controlling my thought process and attentiveness to intangible things that will matter when the time comes. The time is "not yet", so therefore I would like to focus on what is going on now and what I am working on and soaking in every detail. Finally, I would not be missing the point of life.

Scrub a Clean Toilet

I was cleaning up the apartment the other day when a voice echoed in my head, "scrub a clean toilet". This was a chapter in either an audio series or a book I was reading having to do with Buddhism. At first the whole idea sounds absurd, but when you actually think about it, it makes sense.

The story was told by a gentleman who went on a retreat to learn how to sit and just "be", a fundamental necessity of meditation. The interviewer had asked the gentleman what he did at the retreat other than meditate. The gentleman replied, "Well, we spent a lot of time learning the techniques of breath, learning how to focus our thoughts, and scrubbing clean toilets". The interviewer was confused. He asked the gentleman, "What purpose did scrubbing clean toilets serve?". The gentleman explained "It was a huge part of our stay at the retreat. It turns out, if you spend time scrubbing and dusting furniture and things, they will never become dirty". It took me a while to fully grasp the concept, but I see how this idea applies itself to life in general. Making sure you scrub everything in your life will almost certainly result in constant cleanliness.

It used to be that I would spend 4 hours during 2 days of the week cleaning up the apartment after letting it get to a point where something had to be done. Drinking a glass of water and rushing out of the door, leaving the glass on an end table and not acknowledging it for a day or two was common practice, among other examples. It would have taken 7 seconds to put the glass into the dishwasher. It would have taken 15 seconds to pick up the clothes I left on the floor as I was going into the shower and put them in the washing machine. Well on one of those two days I spend cleaning the apartment, I spend minutes gathering the dirty clothes and separating them into their respective wash piles. It takes minutes to gather the glasses and maybe a small plate and align them in the dishwasher. Had I took a couple minutes out of my life to say hello to a good friend, I wouldn't have lost touch with them for a long time. Then projects wouldn't be so huge if you completed the small tasks ahead of time. It wouldn't even been called a project.

One can apply this to more ideas, though it wouldn't be beneficial to go to the supermarket every time you need just 1 item to keep the fridge stock appropriately.
Every time I clean the place, the saying echoes in my head. I forget it constantly, but how true it really is.

My Dream: Jan 5, 2011 @ 0620

I was in a kayak type thing with my Amanda. We were paddling down the side of a beach entering a narrow straight when we saw a shrimp boat heading I'm our direction running parallel to our path, just a little bit faster. We enter the narrow straight surrounded by trees and vegetation. The shrimp boat was at our 8 o'clock passing us on our right. I interrupted Amanda as she was speaking of something I cannot recall to point out the size of the shrimp on the boat. In the rear of the boat, the shrimp were as big as a foot and a half, but as you move towards the front, the shrimp were ask thick and huge as human bodies. All of a sudden, I found Amanda and I on the shrimp boat talking with the two older women, man, and teenager who were on it. I cannot remember their faces. I remember there being like 6 or so drinking glasses and jugs of water on the side of the boat. After bullshitting with the supposed family, I found Amanda and I back in our kayak but entering this living room sized cave that had no outlet but the one that we entered from. Inside was some of the family from the shrimp boat. On the cave wall there were shelves with candles, pictures of some old guy like a baseball star, some group photos of Amanda and I, and other decorations. For some reason, it made me feel like Amanda's nana was there. Her father shows up in the entrance and says something, looking into the cave talking with the women that were on the shrimp boat. I knew the women were in the cave from the beginning, but I never visually acknowledged them, so I cannot recall what they were doing. At this point, I was awoken by my cat smacking things off Amanda's end table.

My Dream: Jan 3, 2011 @ 0653

I had a thought that my father went off to somewhere like California to pass away or something. I didn't try to stop him but I found him. I can't recall what I said to him but it was either goodbye or a wordless conversation. 
I then find myself walking down a street with no cars like an alley from the Tanger in Deer Park with my mother. I believe I was supposed to be meeting up with some friends, or I actually just left some friends and I was heading to get dessert because I just finished dinner, and I remember saying, "you know what would finish off this great meal?? Some dessert!". As I said dessert, I found myself walking in this Tanger like place. It was night and the stores were shut down, but this one ice cream place was still open and I could see  this weird door cracked open. It had no handle and it looked like a huge slab of thin bathroom tiles with no hinges. I could see a guy inside though the cracked door. He was sitting down with a blue glare on his face playing Nintendo. It looked like Charlie from CK's Deli. I struggle with this slab-like door, but I finally make it inside as my mother waited outside. The room was a commercial kitchen. I got the hint that I did something wrong,  so I asked the guy, "oh, so this is the wrong door?". He replied like a smart ass, "uhhh clearly!". I turned towards the door thinking, "he's an ass". There was a door I saw past him that clearly led into the ice cream shop, but I had to go around to the front, to the door with knobs. My mother watched me leave and enter into the other door, though we exchanged no words. I entered the front door and walked through the building to find the counter. As i am walking, I see two guys. One was sitting on this huge black desk, looked fitted for a school, but industrial-like and obnoxiously huge. The other guy was standing, walking around an area or something, I didn't pay much attention Robbin as I was focused on finding the counter. The guy who was sitting asked, "wow, so how much did you have to pay for this setup!?" as he looked at the monstrous setup of desks, for there were like 12 lined up, with a big brown couch separating some. The guy standing replies, "$2000". The guy sitting gasps. The guy standing chuckles and replies, "nah, like $10". At that point, I find the counter and Charlie from CKs. Io think it was at that moment when I woke up.

The Newest Beginning

It's a new year. Though I've rarely ever bothered with New Years Resolutions, I find that this year is going to be a defining year. I have finally found a niche that I love. I feel as if this is the road I want to be on, my way to treasure, my "personal legend", for those who are Alchemist fans ;)

Where I was coming from in the past was not that promising. Most of my time I dedicated to hanging around the house, waiting for my degree in Computer Science. My excuse was that I could not get an engineering job on this island without a Bachelors, which is very much true. Every company looking for developers is either across Long Island Sound in Connecticut or in Queens, looking for someone with 3+ experience in the field with a BS in Computer Science or a related field. Mind you, it has taken 6 years of schooling to get an Associates due to the fact for the first couple years, I did not have a set major. I was dabbling in Business, Liberal Arts, Criminal Justice, and Computer Science. I did not see a future I would like to have in Computer Science until I took the first couple programming courses, mainly Visual Basic and Java. I fell in love with programming since. I took a web design class which taught me very basic HTML. I was used to html though, since in the past I did a few hack jobs on my own personal web sites that went nowhere with no goal, just like my life a few months ago. To say I didn't have goals is a stretch, since I did want to complete my BS degree badly to finally "breakout" into the "real world" running. It would be nothing but playing video games until then...until the strangest thing happened.

I don't know where the interest came about, but I had bought a cool assortment of "For Dummies" e-books. I was watching something or reading something online when "meditation" was mentioned. It just so happened in the small stack of ebooks, I had Meditation for Dummies. I began reading it, and into the first chapter, it mentioned the fact that Buddhists use meditation as a common practice. This I already knew, but the book had brought it to light. Where the urge came from, I still don't know, but I began researching the Buddhist beliefs, downloaded some free talks and videos and listened to the speakers. I felt an overwhelming since of realization and I attribute that moment of realization to the path I am taking today.

I read "The Alchemist" by Paul Coelho again. I read it once before and I fell in love with it years ago. This time, I connected a lot more with the book, since I knew what to expect from the story and was able to pick up things I missed in the past. the book, even though a fictional story, really gets you to think about your life and how you are living it right now. I evaluated my life and knew that I could be doing something so much more. I knew that there was something out there for me, something I wanted and had to do, but I had no idea what it was. to a certain extent, I still do not know, but in order to reach the top of that staircase, you have to take the first step, even if you do not see the entire staircase". though I butchered that quote, it still portrays the message I wanted to show you.

I am very curious about the programming world. I had a professor whom I've been blessed to have many classes with tell us the best methods for success in the tech world. Technology is always changing. Keep your eye out for all the new changes, be interested in other people's work and stay on top of it. That was only one of the many nuggets he fed us. That idea drove me to go out looking for e-zines on programming, hacking, networking, and coding. I wanted to stay on top of it all. I came across a website called Ycombinator. It came up in a google search when I typed in Hacker News. This website was the next half mile on my way to treasure. The first time I glanced at this website, there was an article that stuck out labeled How to Become a Millionaire in 3 Years. I laughed when I read it because I knew it was impossible. The article, though, is really on the ball and motivating. You really could become a millionaire in 3 years, but you need to look at yourself.

The article stated as one of its points, "Leverage skills you know". I did know a little bit of programming, but an idea popped into my head after a good friend suggested it years ago. Start a business creating web sites for businesses. This is what I wanted to do. The dream of running a successful business has always been in the recesses of my mind but never at the forefront. I believe the first hint I realized was the fact that Business was the first curriculum I juggled in college until Business 101 bored my naive self right out of the program.

Though it would be impossible becoming a millionaire just by creating web sites alone, it was a start to get off my ass and find my way to where I want to be. I know there are a huge amount of paths branching off the one I'm on right now which I will find in the future. I have an idea how to get to them. You have to start somewhere, and start small.

So there you have it. That's the past. That's how I got here. Right now I have roughly 3 web sites in queue. I didn't even get a chance to create my own web site, which is perfect because I will have a small portfolio to show right off the bat. I am in the process of continuing my education in Adobe Flash and Advanced Javascript. There is a web site I recommend to ANYONE looking to further their education in any computer related software and resource. Check out VTC. Its worth just looking at it.

I have many goals for 2011. Though I do not get discouraged should I not achieve them all, the main ones I am focusing on are as previously stated: Advanced Javascript and Flash. I want to learn what PHP is all about, though I may not thoroughly engulf myself in it. Create 10 web sites for individual clients, implement more natural food sources in my diet rather than processed and cut down on sugar. My last goal would be to refresh my knowledge of the German language. I took 3 years of it which I eventually lost. It should come back to me once I invest in Rosetta Stone to continue my long journey to fluency.

The 2011 year looks bright. I wish the best for all of you looking to continue on your way to treasure.